Can't Swallow? Don't Wallow! : Day + 8

I think I achieved a personal record last night. Simultaneously I received fluids from FOUR pumps (Magnesium solution, Anti-sickness, Morphine and 1000ml of ‘feed’ called Osmolite) At one point, the tube that attaches to my nose-piece became disconnected and I had the unique experience of having pink liquid pumped down my back. Strange but not entirely unpleasant.

Osmolite is pretty clever: Each ml gives one calorie. So last night I had half of my daily quota of calories through my nose. Today, because my swallowing is getting more painful, I will get my full daily allowance (2000 ml=2000 calories) through my nose-tube. So at last we are getting some futurism going on. Okay its not the just-add-water-roast-dinner-in-a-pill scenario, but the idea of being fully nourished without eating still impresses me – so do portable handheld video/audio communication devices (mobile phones) and a hugely vast and reconfigurable interpolated nexus of data flow (The Internet) Now where the hell are my teleporters, weekend trips to the moon and lady-aliens??

Hair Today…

Yesterday, I noticed that I could easily pluck hair from my head and stubble from my chin. So last night, Bridget did the honours and gave me the Crowning Glory (Also known as the Full Kojak, the Cue-Ball, the Potato-With-Glasses, the Chrome-Dome, the Captain Picard, the Milton McNugget, the Golden Baldy, the Talking Melon, the Shining Noggin, the Boiled Egg, the Globe-with-ears, the Easter Treat or the Stubbly Beacon)

I am told that hair takes a long time to return after a BMT, so I am doing my best to list the positives:

1) Save on Shampoo, Conditioner & Gel (We’re in the money..)

2) Shorter showertimes = time to learn a new language, lead double-life as secret agent, longer sleeptime…

3) Adventurous (and non-pretentious twat-ty) use of hats

4) Telling door to door salesmen I only have 2 weeks and admiring the clouds of dust they leave behind them. (Doesn’t work on Jehovah Witnesses- they tend to linger for the 2 weeks, reading the WatchTower, eating all the chocolate biscuits and pretending not to believe in dinosaurs)

5) No Bad-Hair days. Then again no Good-Hair days, just No-Hair days.

6) No risk of Nits, Head-Lice or the Lesser-Known-Colombian-Hair-Lizards

7) A Reflective Surface is useful when Lost At Sea

WE INTERRUPT THIS RIDICULOUS SOLILOQUY TO BRING YOU THIS LATEST REPORT…

Saturday Night Fever

After spending yesterday hanging around the 37’s degrees centigrade area (98.6-100.4 degrees fahrenheit), today I busted the 38 degree threshold with a temperature of 38.5 (101.3 degrees fahrenheit.) This is due to an INFECTION and means being blasted with antibiotics for ONE WEEK and (maybe) feeling lousy for a while. I say PUMP UP THE MORPHINE.

So get out your wide-collar white-suits, your sequine dresses and your platform SOULS….coz we are partying tonight!

In that spirit I give you my ammended lyrics to the BeeGees’ classic ‘Stayin’ Alive’

Well, you can tell by the way that I can’t talk,

I’m a chemo-man, I can hardly walk.

Needles and pills and morphine sweet,

Bloat so much, can’t see my feet.

And now it’s alright, I’m okay.

Please don’t look the other way.

We can try to understand,

Why cancer gets a healthy man.

Whether I’m a baldy or whether I’m all fried,

I’m stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive.

Everybody’s jabbin’ me and the drugs grabbin’ me,

I’m stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive.

Ah, ha, ha, ha,

Stayin’ Ali-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ve!

An infection at this stage is very common, hopefully we caught it early and it won’t cause too many problems. What is certain is that I’ll be monitored constantly from now on and be very much ‘hooked up’. Here’s today’s menu (inhale and say in one breath)

20-hour anti-sickness drugs, 20-hour liquid morphine, 3 x 10-minute antibiotic syringes, 1-hour antibiotic drip, 20-hour Osmolite ‘feed’, 6-hour hydration drip. 3-hour immuno-suppresant, 10-minute methotrexate chemo injection, 2-hour saline drip, 2 blood-tests, 1 Chest X-Ray, 10 ‘obs’ (blood pressure, pulse, oxygen saturation and temperature readings), 1-hour magnesium drip, 5-minute piriton injection, 1-hour platelet transfusion, 12 antibiotic/antifungal tablets, 6 antibiotic mouthwashes and 2 soluble paracetamol.

So do you think I’m still okay to operate heavy machinery?

Later peeps – milt

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