Stuff : Day + 37

Another significant click today. Impossible to explain precisely, but I felt just a little bit of life in me today. Still tired and weak of course and also have picked up some weird cough- but undoubtedly I feel just a little bit better.

Unfortunately I don’t feel well enough to see Bridget’s pupils at Radley College perform a concert. A collection for Anthony Nolan Trust (how kind) will be made at the end of the concert, once a short speech has been given on the importance of the charity. How quickly life can change.

I felt well enough to walk through the park and up the high street amongst the normal people. Naturally part of me couldn’t help wondering:

“Do these people have any idea who walks amongst them-bald head covered, slightly wobbly with far-off gaze? Do they know the ordeals I have endured? The struggles I have seen? The battles for my very life?”

No, they don’t.

In fact using my very keen mind-reading skills I gathered these, the most popular thoughts in the heads of my fellow pedestrians:

– “Other people MUST notice how sexy and indifferent I look in these extortionately-priced designer sunglasses.”

– “Other people MUST notice how sexy and indifferent I look in these reasonably-priced fake designer sunglasses.”

– (Amongst 16-year olds) “I look SO cool in these massively oversized jeans that keep falling down.”

– (Amongst smokers) “Littering laws don’t count if you are cool enough to smoke”

– (Amongst 13-year olds) “This outfit makes me look like i’m twenty-two years old!”

– (Amongst 40-year olds) “This outfit makes me look like i’m twenty-two years old!”

– (Amongst 22-year olds) “I hope its clear how bored, sexy and indifferent I am.”

– (Amongst poor kids) “Wow, with this massive gold chain, I look like I’m rich!”

– (Amongst rich kids) “Wow, with these shitty trainers, shitty jeans and shitty hair, I look like I’m poor!”

– (Amongst parents out with their kids) “Where did my youth go?” (Either meaning)

– (Amongst teenage kids out with their parents) “Sooooo booooriiing”

– (Single men in bookshops attempting to look eligible) – “Must browse contemporary fiction – Must stay away from Science Fiction section”

– (Single women in bookshops attempting to look eligible) – “Must browse contemporary fiction -Must stay away from Self-Help section”

Speaking of bookshops, I went to Waterstone’s today, sat in a leather armchair and happily read HALF of John O’Farrell’s new novel. I would have read it all but was rudely informed by the man trying to stack my chair (with me in it) that the shop was about to close.

So why didn’t I buy it? No I am not a cheapskate- in fact my LFE (Lifetime Frivolous Expenditure) may equate to the value of a subcontinental country or even a broom cupboard in Kensington. The reason I decided to read the book then and there is that WE ALL HAVE TOO MUCH STUFF!!! And we don’t need it. (Also it wasn’t out in paperback yet)

I have a theory why we all have a tendency to hoard and own so much stuff we don’t need ( Yes YOU. Don’t believe me? Men look through your CDs, books and especially DVDs. Women: Count your shoes) No its not the caveman “Hunter/Gatherer” Theory or the fear-of-time-passing-and-inevitable-death “Material Hoarding” Theory.

My theory is that we are all scared of NOTHING. I don’t mean we are fearless. I mean we are scared of the concept of nothingness, the ether, nada. Deep down we KNOW that we are just comprised of atoms, their nuclei so distant from one another that we rival a Cadbury’s Aero chocolate bar in our scarcity. We are mostly absolutely nothing, occupying an infintessimal fraction of space and with a lifespan that is pathetically fleeting relative to any astral body. Just nothing. Our reaction as nothing-averse people is to coat ourselves with as much STUFF as possible, internally screaming ” I exist! I EXIST!!!”

I say: Let’s all just chill and learn to live with Nothingness for a while. In the meantime please ask yourselves this:

“Does the thought that we are just outlined sections of nothing floating in space, bouncing off but never actually touching anything else, terrify you? If it was true that we are just nothing then how would you chose to live your life?”

No differently I hope!

Okay blood test tomorrow, followed by Waterstone’s to finish that book.

Sweet dreams- Milton

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