A Corner : Day + 81

A big thank you for all the support out there- it is really appreciated.

Am happy to report a glimmer of hope in my mood, and it centres around guitar practice. Have felt inspired to start working on my classical and jazz guitar again. It is really tough after months of set-back- but adopting a “Me, Here, Now” approach really helps. Bridget and I are planning a “Return to Life” Guitar Duo concert over Christmas-(in a church in West London) you are all very welcome of course.

I’ve ditched the pills for a few days now- I’d rather feel the truth of how I feel- as excruciating as that might be- (the mornings are particularly desperate). But I guess our characters are determined by how we behave at our lowest ebb- so it’s time for me to decide who I am again. I walk as much as I can each day and now practise with as much care and gratitude as I can muster (easier said than done!)

I am not ashamed to admit that disappointment and depression are now part of my daily life- there are very real issues in my life- but hey I’ll just have to learn to hang with them for for a while. I will continue to report from the frontline with honesty and candour-more soon…

Follow your Bliss- Milton


More: Day + 77

I cannot tell a lie- things are tough. Have been prescribed ani-anxiety pills- Am not sure what is happening to me other than writing crap poems.

Crap Poem #1

I don’t care if Tim wins or loses,

I don’t care who Davina chooses,

I don’t care if Marco is gay,

I just want to feel okay.

Crap Poem #2

Dogs can just poo and be everywhere,

Birds can just take off without a care,

Cats are too cool to have a name,

So why are humans born with shame?


Good Guys: Day + 73

On April 23rd some very kind boys at Radley College held a benefit concert on my behalf and raised a most impressive


The Black Hole: Day + 70

Hello again. Thank you for your continuing support despite my distance from computers. Quick recap: I was readmitted to Hospital on the 14th June with suspected infection. I received the whole gamut of antibiotics that they had going(“What’s that?” “Dunno. just stick it in..”) and I had a vomitous, coughing uncomfortable 2-week stay. At which point there were less symptoms, they had run out of antibiotics anyway and I was sent home (2 days ago)

How am I? Physically: Very, very weak. Managing 1-mile a day walks. I feel like an empty shell.

Emotionally, this has been the worst time for me in the last seven months. It is as if when I am so close to a physical cure, the emotional thunderstorm hits me all at once. Basically, I am depressed. Weepy and depressed. Possible reasons:

Antibiotics are said to cause depression, and I’ve had my fill.

The months when I had to fight physically with positivity have caught up with me and its just a natural rebalance.

Reassessment of life is not easy: Same old problems and some new ones added.

I am reborn and this is the pain of birth.

Self-pity?

Just a physical setback that links with my mood that will ‘turn around’ once my hair is flowing Samson-like (One of Bridge’s theories)

What will I do?

Cry

Sleep

Eat

Walk in the park.

Talk to some important people to me.

Feel it. Sit with it. Live beyond it.


Daze : Day + 54

G’day.